This is a good piece about expectations in relationships. It is difficult for many people to be bigger than the problem or the situation and take responsibility, or as some would say ’take the blame’. I think how you phrase it has a big impact on your attitude. Responsibility is positive and shows you are being proactive and want to resolve things. Blame is negative and causes you to see the other person negatively and I believe makes it harder to overcome.
See my Blog Post titled ‘Best & Worst on November 7, 2010 that also talks about expectations and relationships.
Following is an Excerpt from 'The 100/0 Principle' by Al Ritter posted at Simple Truths by Mac Anderson, Founder
What is the most effective way to create and sustain great relationships with others? It's The 100/0 Principle: You take full responsibility (the 100) for the relationship, expecting nothing (the 0) in return.
Implementing The 100/0 Principle is not natural for most of us. It takes real commitment to the relationship and a good dose of self-discipline to think, act and give 100 percent.
The 100/0 Principle applies to those people in your life where the relationships are too important to react automatically or judgmentally. Each of us must determine the relationships to which this principle should apply. For most of us, it applies to work associates, customers, suppliers, family and friends.
•STEP 1 - Determine what you can do to make the relationship work...then do it. Demonstrate respect and kindness to the other person, whether he/she deserves it or not.
•STEP 2 - Do not expect anything in return. Zero, zip, nada.
•STEP 3 - Do not allow anything the other person says or does (no matter how annoying!) to affect you. In other words, don't take the bait.
•STEP 4 - Be persistent with your graciousness and kindness. Often we give up too soon, especially when others don't respond in kind. Remember to expect nothing in return.
At times (usually few), the relationship can remain challenging, even toxic, despite your 100 percent commitment and self-discipline. When this occurs, you need to avoid being the "Knower" and shift to being the "Learner." Avoid Knower statements/ thoughts like "that won't work," "I'm right, you are wrong," "I know it and you don't," "I'll teach you," "that's just the way it is," "I need to tell you what I know," etc.
Instead use Learner statements/thoughts like "Let me find out what is going on and try to understand the situation," "I could be wrong," "I wonder if there is anything of value here," "I wonder if..." etc. In other words, as a Learner, be curious!
Principle Paradox
This may strike you as strange, but here's the paradox: When you take authentic responsibility for a relationship, more often than not the other person quickly chooses to take responsibility as well. Consequently, the 100/0 relationship quickly transforms into something approaching 100/100. When that occurs, true breakthroughs happen for the individuals involved, their teams, their organizations and their families.
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
Learning economics from Seinfeld.
Many people are Seinfeld fans. When I hear people discussing the old episodes that are playing in reruns on cable channels most of the time I only hear about the humor that is gained or recognized in the episodes.
Now some economists have created websites that explain economics by using episodes of Seinfeld. I read about this at ‘Economics: Using Seinfeld to Teach the Dismal Science’ at Bloomberg Businessweek.
There are discussions about:
• The Soup Nazi being a monopolist
• Elaine and the contraceptive sponge
• George joining the book club to impress a girl
• Jerry bartering away the intellectual property rights
• And 200 other scenes at the site referenced
Economics may not get any easier or understandable but you will probably enjoy some of your favorite episodes as well as see things from a different perspective.
Here are the sites. You can comment at the sites if you choose.
http://www.businessweek.com/magazine/content/10_48/b4205026175789.htm
http://www.yadayadayadaecon.com/
Now some economists have created websites that explain economics by using episodes of Seinfeld. I read about this at ‘Economics: Using Seinfeld to Teach the Dismal Science’ at Bloomberg Businessweek.
There are discussions about:
• The Soup Nazi being a monopolist
• Elaine and the contraceptive sponge
• George joining the book club to impress a girl
• Jerry bartering away the intellectual property rights
• And 200 other scenes at the site referenced
Economics may not get any easier or understandable but you will probably enjoy some of your favorite episodes as well as see things from a different perspective.
Here are the sites. You can comment at the sites if you choose.
http://www.businessweek.com/magazine/content/10_48/b4205026175789.htm
http://www.yadayadayadaecon.com/
Finding Your Purpose
Good Advice to help find your purpose in the following from ‘Simple Truths’ by Mac Anderson.
What are you trying to do with your life?
What are your greatest gifts?
What are you meant to do here?
How can you best serve mankind?
These are questions you must answer to find your true purpose in life. They sometimes surface during major life transitions such as family strife, job loss, spiritual awakenings, or the death of a loved one.
I feel fortunate to have found my purpose in life. I have that reason to get up in the morning and it fuels my passion. In one of the greatest compliments I ever received, someone said to me, "Mac, when you write you've been blessed with the ability to connect with others...soul to soul." I thought about those words and have chosen to shape my life around that gift.
Every person is a unique being. There is only one of you in the universe. You have many obvious gifts and other gifts waiting to be discovered.
I truly believe, however, that one of the most important questions you can ask yourself in your journey to find your purpose is, "How can I serve others?" Albert Schweitzer said it well:"I don't know what your destiny will be, but one thing I do know: the only ones among you who will be really happy are those who have sought and found how to serve."
Success is a very personal thing, but I think most people would agree that true success is about being fulfilled in life. It's that feeling of deep satisfaction that starts in your soul and radiates through your being. The end result is true happiness and peace of mind.
What are you trying to do with your life?
What are your greatest gifts?
What are you meant to do here?
How can you best serve mankind?
These are questions you must answer to find your true purpose in life. They sometimes surface during major life transitions such as family strife, job loss, spiritual awakenings, or the death of a loved one.
I feel fortunate to have found my purpose in life. I have that reason to get up in the morning and it fuels my passion. In one of the greatest compliments I ever received, someone said to me, "Mac, when you write you've been blessed with the ability to connect with others...soul to soul." I thought about those words and have chosen to shape my life around that gift.
Every person is a unique being. There is only one of you in the universe. You have many obvious gifts and other gifts waiting to be discovered.
I truly believe, however, that one of the most important questions you can ask yourself in your journey to find your purpose is, "How can I serve others?" Albert Schweitzer said it well:"I don't know what your destiny will be, but one thing I do know: the only ones among you who will be really happy are those who have sought and found how to serve."
Success is a very personal thing, but I think most people would agree that true success is about being fulfilled in life. It's that feeling of deep satisfaction that starts in your soul and radiates through your being. The end result is true happiness and peace of mind.
Monday, November 22, 2010
Blog Topics
I get lots of ideas for blog posts most days. For me the difficulty is spending the time to write the idea down, think it through, determine the important points and arrive at some kind of conclusion.
Over the weekend my wife and I were traveling and we had lots of time to talk. We usually talk about lots of stuff every week. Some of the topics include families, jobs, friends, finances, future plans, travel, health,sports, spirituality, donations, economics, travel, challenges, business, politics, sex, volunteering, etc. Usually nothing is off limits.
Our discussions don’t always follow the order of the items above but we usually cover most or all of these topics at least weekly and sometimes more frequently. Some times the discussion is polite and civil and sometimes it gets a little heated because we both have some views on topics that are in opposition to each other.
An interesting aspect of our discussions is that many times one idea leads to another and this to another and then to another.
My wife is a good discussion partner (in discussing what word to use here we both thought ‘foil’ may not be understandable to all) because she is well read, a good thinker and a quick processor. Many times she asks questions that I haven’t thought about or challenges my ideas and conclusions. That isn’t always fun because if I like what I am writing and think it is really good I don’t want to be questioned or challenged.
So what’s the point of all this? I am finding that some days I have good ideas and some I don’t. Some days it is easy to write about a topic and some it is hard. And some days there’s nothing there.
I have gained a greater respect and appreciation for writers who can successfully craft a piece or a book that is interesting and flows well and keeps your interest.
Over the weekend my wife and I were traveling and we had lots of time to talk. We usually talk about lots of stuff every week. Some of the topics include families, jobs, friends, finances, future plans, travel, health,sports, spirituality, donations, economics, travel, challenges, business, politics, sex, volunteering, etc. Usually nothing is off limits.
Our discussions don’t always follow the order of the items above but we usually cover most or all of these topics at least weekly and sometimes more frequently. Some times the discussion is polite and civil and sometimes it gets a little heated because we both have some views on topics that are in opposition to each other.
An interesting aspect of our discussions is that many times one idea leads to another and this to another and then to another.
My wife is a good discussion partner (in discussing what word to use here we both thought ‘foil’ may not be understandable to all) because she is well read, a good thinker and a quick processor. Many times she asks questions that I haven’t thought about or challenges my ideas and conclusions. That isn’t always fun because if I like what I am writing and think it is really good I don’t want to be questioned or challenged.
So what’s the point of all this? I am finding that some days I have good ideas and some I don’t. Some days it is easy to write about a topic and some it is hard. And some days there’s nothing there.
I have gained a greater respect and appreciation for writers who can successfully craft a piece or a book that is interesting and flows well and keeps your interest.
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
Have a positive impact
About a month ago I had a discussion with a friend about one of his children who was running for an office in a school group. Sounded like there was some trepidation on the child’s part because it was a new school, I think, and all that being the new kid brings with it but a real desire to see this through.
Saw that friend today and found out the child had lost the election but all is well.
As adults many of us realize that that first election or recital, game, event is or can be just a stepping stone to more elections, more achievement and more success for the child if handled properly. Handling properly is the parent’s responsibility and that includes encouragement, teaching and support. The power and influence that a parent has with a child is enormous.
So if you don’t do the positive the other options are apathy or negativity. Choosing either of these just creates more problems for the child and the parents in relationships and development.
A great example of the positive behavior is displayed in the Bible when God spoke to Moses to encourage him that he could lead the Jews out of slavery in Egypt. And then when Moses was succeeded by Joshua. God and Moses both said to Joshua several times ‘Be strong and courageous!’.
If you didn’t get the positive piece from your parents or other important people in your life then learn from the positive that God and Jesus displayed. Don’t continue the problem. Learn to be a part of the solution.
What you say and do has a great impact on your children and those you lead.
Saw that friend today and found out the child had lost the election but all is well.
As adults many of us realize that that first election or recital, game, event is or can be just a stepping stone to more elections, more achievement and more success for the child if handled properly. Handling properly is the parent’s responsibility and that includes encouragement, teaching and support. The power and influence that a parent has with a child is enormous.
So if you don’t do the positive the other options are apathy or negativity. Choosing either of these just creates more problems for the child and the parents in relationships and development.
A great example of the positive behavior is displayed in the Bible when God spoke to Moses to encourage him that he could lead the Jews out of slavery in Egypt. And then when Moses was succeeded by Joshua. God and Moses both said to Joshua several times ‘Be strong and courageous!’.
If you didn’t get the positive piece from your parents or other important people in your life then learn from the positive that God and Jesus displayed. Don’t continue the problem. Learn to be a part of the solution.
What you say and do has a great impact on your children and those you lead.
Sunday, November 7, 2010
Best & Worst
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it
was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness. . . .
from ‘A Tale of Two Cities’ by Charles Dickens in 1859
This quote has been used to describe many topics but one that comes to mind for me is marriage. For two people to meet, get to know each other over a short time, make a (lifetime) commitment to each other and expect that everything will be simple, easy, perfect and without conflict for the remainder of their lives seems foolish to those of us who are currently or have been married.
Although we used to have a neighbor who was married three times and divorced three times. I don't think she was able to identify the problem and repeated it three times.
Our marriage, that covers several decades, has experienced both the best and the worst during this time. Not intentionally but because of the dynamic of two different personalities trying to work together and stay in harmony and then adding two additional personalities, our children who are each married now, our expectations of a lifetime of constant peace and harmony were at best naïve and at worst bordering on the ridiculous.
Our mistakes included each of us expecting the other to change and adapt to the other's expectation. How often does that happen successfully without coercion? Expectations of certain behaviors or actions from a spouse, children, family, friends, managers, employees and others can only lead to difficulties and broken relationships. This is pure unadulterated selfishness.
Through lots of trial and error and two times at a minimum where we thought seriously about divorcing we have come to a pretty good place where we love and respect each other and have developed a mutual appreciation for each other and our particular gifts and talents.
We started out as friends (which I think is very important because we developed trust in each other from the beginning), became interested in each other romantically prior to and into marriage, evolved into a strained relationship with animosity toward each other, communicated our desire to each other to have a better relationship, found the best way for us to live our lives together was by giving our lives to and dedicating our lives to God and constantly seeking his direction through Bible reading, prayer, serving and fellowship with other mature committed Christians.
I only know what has worked for us and I think some or all of this can work for you. We are currently best friends and I always look forward to our opportunities to be together where we talk, laugh a lot and show each other that we truly care for each other.
I think the more important thing for a successful marriage or relationship to work is to stop blaming each other for the problems or situations. Accept your responsibility for making things work and include God in your life and marriage. It may not be simple to turn things around but it is possible.
was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness. . . .
from ‘A Tale of Two Cities’ by Charles Dickens in 1859
This quote has been used to describe many topics but one that comes to mind for me is marriage. For two people to meet, get to know each other over a short time, make a (lifetime) commitment to each other and expect that everything will be simple, easy, perfect and without conflict for the remainder of their lives seems foolish to those of us who are currently or have been married.
Although we used to have a neighbor who was married three times and divorced three times. I don't think she was able to identify the problem and repeated it three times.
Our marriage, that covers several decades, has experienced both the best and the worst during this time. Not intentionally but because of the dynamic of two different personalities trying to work together and stay in harmony and then adding two additional personalities, our children who are each married now, our expectations of a lifetime of constant peace and harmony were at best naïve and at worst bordering on the ridiculous.
Our mistakes included each of us expecting the other to change and adapt to the other's expectation. How often does that happen successfully without coercion? Expectations of certain behaviors or actions from a spouse, children, family, friends, managers, employees and others can only lead to difficulties and broken relationships. This is pure unadulterated selfishness.
Through lots of trial and error and two times at a minimum where we thought seriously about divorcing we have come to a pretty good place where we love and respect each other and have developed a mutual appreciation for each other and our particular gifts and talents.
We started out as friends (which I think is very important because we developed trust in each other from the beginning), became interested in each other romantically prior to and into marriage, evolved into a strained relationship with animosity toward each other, communicated our desire to each other to have a better relationship, found the best way for us to live our lives together was by giving our lives to and dedicating our lives to God and constantly seeking his direction through Bible reading, prayer, serving and fellowship with other mature committed Christians.
I only know what has worked for us and I think some or all of this can work for you. We are currently best friends and I always look forward to our opportunities to be together where we talk, laugh a lot and show each other that we truly care for each other.
I think the more important thing for a successful marriage or relationship to work is to stop blaming each other for the problems or situations. Accept your responsibility for making things work and include God in your life and marriage. It may not be simple to turn things around but it is possible.
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
Benefits of struggle
Struggle marks our time on earth. As Booker T Washington points out below it is from the struggles that we learn the most. If all goes well all the time we don’t have to work to get better or to improve. If everything were easy for us all the time we wouldn’t change. There would be no need to change.
So you may need to rethink your attitude about difficulties, challenges and struggles and the benefit they provide to you. The seeds of success are in the struggles.
I have learned that success is to be measured not so much by the position that one has reached in life as by the obstacles which he has overcome while trying to succeed.
Booker T Washington
So you may need to rethink your attitude about difficulties, challenges and struggles and the benefit they provide to you. The seeds of success are in the struggles.
I have learned that success is to be measured not so much by the position that one has reached in life as by the obstacles which he has overcome while trying to succeed.
Booker T Washington
Monday, November 1, 2010
Change the future
What can be a future altering election is happening on Tuesday, November 2nd, in the US.
The current administration and their supporters in the US Congress and US Senate want to retain power so they can control the future of the US and that means controlling you, your family and future generations. And government means less choices for you.
By watching their actions you can see what they are about. Giving the government more control and the individual less control over their lives. By giving money to people the government is all about controlling them and getting their votes to remain in control.
A government interested in helping people is one that encourages and challenges them to get better. To do more and to accomplish more. This helps all of mankind not just the unions, trial lawyers and the friends of big government.
You can have a great impact on the future by accepting responsibility to vote out those who don’t believe in the people of America but believe in more government at all levels.
The future of the US can be and will be driven by Americans who don’t want government handouts but want opportunity to control their destiny.
Government has its purpose as identified in the Constitution and the Bill of Rights. By allowing government, rather than these documents, to be the grantor of our rights and privileges we acknowledge that they can control us because they decide when to give and when to take rights.
It will be challenging but we can do it. Let’s start right now!
The current administration and their supporters in the US Congress and US Senate want to retain power so they can control the future of the US and that means controlling you, your family and future generations. And government means less choices for you.
By watching their actions you can see what they are about. Giving the government more control and the individual less control over their lives. By giving money to people the government is all about controlling them and getting their votes to remain in control.
A government interested in helping people is one that encourages and challenges them to get better. To do more and to accomplish more. This helps all of mankind not just the unions, trial lawyers and the friends of big government.
You can have a great impact on the future by accepting responsibility to vote out those who don’t believe in the people of America but believe in more government at all levels.
The future of the US can be and will be driven by Americans who don’t want government handouts but want opportunity to control their destiny.
Government has its purpose as identified in the Constitution and the Bill of Rights. By allowing government, rather than these documents, to be the grantor of our rights and privileges we acknowledge that they can control us because they decide when to give and when to take rights.
It will be challenging but we can do it. Let’s start right now!
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