Best & Worst

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it
was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness. . . .

from ‘A Tale of Two Cities’ by Charles Dickens in 1859

This quote has been used to describe many topics but one that comes to mind for me is marriage. For two people to meet, get to know each other over a short time, make a (lifetime) commitment to each other and expect that everything will be simple, easy, perfect and without conflict for the remainder of their lives seems foolish to those of us who are currently or have been married.

Although we used to have a neighbor who was married three times and divorced three times. I don't think she was able to identify the problem and repeated it three times.

Our marriage, that covers several decades, has experienced both the best and the worst during this time. Not intentionally but because of the dynamic of two different personalities trying to work together and stay in harmony and then adding two additional personalities, our children who are each married now, our expectations of a lifetime of constant peace and harmony were at best naïve and at worst bordering on the ridiculous.

Our mistakes included each of us expecting the other to change and adapt to the other's expectation. How often does that happen successfully without coercion? Expectations of certain behaviors or actions from a spouse, children, family, friends, managers, employees and others can only lead to difficulties and broken relationships. This is pure unadulterated selfishness.

Through lots of trial and error and two times at a minimum where we thought seriously about divorcing we have come to a pretty good place where we love and respect each other and have developed a mutual appreciation for each other and our particular gifts and talents.

We started out as friends (which I think is very important because we developed trust in each other from the beginning), became interested in each other romantically prior to and into marriage, evolved into a strained relationship with animosity toward each other, communicated our desire to each other to have a better relationship, found the best way for us to live our lives together was by giving our lives to and dedicating our lives to God and constantly seeking his direction through Bible reading, prayer, serving and fellowship with other mature committed Christians.

I only know what has worked for us and I think some or all of this can work for you. We are currently best friends and I always look forward to our opportunities to be together where we talk, laugh a lot and show each other that we truly care for each other.

I think the more important thing for a successful marriage or relationship to work is to stop blaming each other for the problems or situations. Accept your responsibility for making things work and include God in your life and marriage. It may not be simple to turn things around but it is possible.