One way to keep in touch

I think we all like to look back at our past and think about all the great things we have done in our life - career, finances, education, marriage, family, etc. Most times we like to think we did a really good job.

But there is the occasional glitch in our lives that we are made aware of that doesn't fit the narrative.

While working with my wife recently to clean out some old boxes of stuff that I had accumulated my wife found a note to me from our daughter. I have a tendency to keep stuff that to many people doesn’t seem like it has much value. But I developed this attitude that things may be worth something some day and many times the value is in the eye of the beholder.

When I was young I spent a lot of time at my grandparents’ house where I used to go up in the attic and dig around through old toys, photos of people I didn’t know, letters, books and games. I always enjoyed doing that and so I think that may be a reason that I save a lot of things.

Well back to the letter. I would love to say that our daughter was congratulating me on being the best Dad in the world and she was so proud that I was her Dad. But that wasn’t the case.

Our relationship (between my daughter and I) had evolved with letters because we couldn’t always reasonably discuss things when we disagreed. I found that I usually drove my daughter to retire to her room where she slammed the door so we were aware she didn’t want any further contact with us for the immediate future.

So as a way to try to get her to see my point of view I would write her a brief letter and explain my thinking and tell her that she could either take it to heart or ignore it and we wouldn’t need to discuss it further. I would then slide the note under her door. Many times we never discussed the issue further.

I don’t recall the circumstances around this letter below but I’m sure something happened if she sent me a letter. You will get some idea of our relationship by reading it. She was 17 going on 18 at the time. I’m glad I kept it.

**************

Here is the text of the letter

Dad –

Sorry about not living up to my half (of) the bargain. I’m sorry – I take full responsibility – I was being lazy. Please forgive me!

Heart (she drew a heart) Kate

P.S. – If you don’t want me to eat the pasta in the fridge you have to tell me….as far as I knew that was “community property.” Sorry buddy!

Should tolerance be reserved for a few?

‘Piss Christ’ returns to New York along with ‘Piss Moses’

by Howard Portnoy at Hot Air

 

I have pulled out two paragraphs of the above identified article to show how Christians and Jews react to things that defile their religions. Contrast that with the way Muslims have reacted to challenges to their religion.
 

See the thoughts in the last three paragraphs of the full article (that is below) about choices that would have to be made if a comparable piece of art was created depicting Mohammed.
 

Two Paragraphs I pulled out
 

Today the blaspheming continues at the Edward Tyler Nahem Gallery on 57th Street, where the state-sponsored “artwork” Piss Christ goes on display for a month. The work, in case you missed the controversy that swirled around its debut in 1987, consists of a photograph of a crucifix floating in the artist’s urine.
 

The week has been noteworthy not only for its anti-religious acts but for the conspicuous inaction on the part of those whose faiths were defiled. Jews chose not react to Ahmadinejad’s incendiary remarks by storming the Permanent Mission of the Islamic Republic of Iran to the United Nations in New York or by burning the Islamic flag in the streets of Manhattan. Christians did not fire bomb the D.C. headquarters of the National Endowment for the Arts, the government agency that funded the creation of Piss Christ, or demand that its artist, Andres Serrano, be “cut up into little pieces” (the fate suggested by one Muslim protester for the maker of the anti-Islamic film).
 

**************

This is the full article. The link is below.

Midtown Manhattan has been the scene of much religious reflection and blasphemy of late. One act of solemn reflection took place at the 140-year-old Central Synagogue on 55th Street, where Jews assembled on Wednesday to observe Yom Kippur, the holiest day on the Jewish calendar. While they prayed, a few blocks away a man who has called the state of Israel a “malignant cancer” prayed as well—for their and its destruction. In his speech before the United Nations General Assembly (video here), outgoing Iranian “President” Mahmoud Ahmadinejad asked God to bring “a new order” that “will do away with … everything that distances us.” If the intent wasn’t clear enough, he later explained in an interview with the Associated Press that he expects that Israel will soon become an “historical footnote.”

Today the blaspheming continues at the Edward Tyler Nahem Gallery on 57th Street, where the state-sponsored “artwork” Piss Christ goes on display for a month. The work, in case you missed the controversy that swirled around its debut in 1987, consists of a photograph of a crucifix floating in the artist’s urine.

The week has been noteworthy not only for its anti-religious acts but for the conspicuous inaction on the part of those whose faiths were defiled. Jews chose not react to Ahmadinejad’s incendiary remarks by storming the Permanent Mission of the Islamic Republic of Iran to the United Nations in New York or by burning the Islamic flag in the streets of Manhattan. Christians did not fire bomb the D.C. headquarters of the National Endowment for the Arts, the government agency that funded the creation of Piss Christ, or demand that its artist, Andres Serrano, be “cut up into little pieces” (the fate suggested by one Muslim protester for the maker of the anti-Islamic film).

One more act of religious reflection was a speech on Tuesday by President Obama, also at the U.N. In it he observed:

The future must not belong to those who slander the prophet of Islam. But to be credible, those who condemn that slander must also condemn the hate we see in the images of Jesus Christ that are desecrated, or churches that are destroyed, or the Holocaust that is denied. Let us condemn incitement against Sufi Muslims and Shiite pilgrims.

This effort at rubbing an all-purpose balm on the “hurt religious feelings” (to borrow a phrase from the U.S. Embassy in Cairo) of practitioners of all faiths fails on a number of fronts. James Taranto (see link below) has a spot-on analysis of the problems inherent in this sweeping apples-and-oranges pronouncement for those interested in pursuing it further.

But the best way to see the folly of Obama’s outreach and its disconnect with reality is through a litmus test of sorts proposed by Mario Loyola at National Review Online:

Find an enterprising young artist willing to create a ‘Piss Mohammed’ version of Serrano’s work, and ask the museum to hang it right next to the Piss Christ. It could be part of a ‘Piss Religion’ exhibit. If the gallery declines (as it surely would), then perhaps one could gather together a small group of Manhattan atheists to march ‘piss portraits’ of Mohammed and his fellow deities/prophets right up 1st Avenue past the United Nations, in homage to the First Amendment.

Every last person who complains will have to explain why they said nothing during the 20-plus years that the revolting Piss Christ has been touring art galleries around the world. They will be forced either to treat Islam and Christianity the same (i.e., stop trashing the latter) or finally admit the cowardly truth, which is that their degree of respect for any given religion is proportional to its proponents’s [sic] propensity for violence.

The same test could be easily applied to putative remarks along the lines of Ahmadinejad’s screed that disparages Islam in like fashion and calls for wiping Mecca off the map.

http://hotair.com/greenroom/archives/2012/09/27/piss-christ-returns-to-new-york-along-with-piss-moses/

‘Madonna and Obama’ by James Taranto

Both of them deliver incoherent messages about freedom.

http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10000872396390443328404578020391263424644.html?mod=WSJ_Opinion_MIDDLETopOpinion

Celebrating Blasphemy in Manhattan by Mario Loyola

http://www.nationalreview.com/corner/328528/celebrating-blasphemy-manhattan-mario-loyola

How hard is it to do the right thing?

In the New York Times of Saturday, September 22, 2012, I saw an article titled ‘Doing the Right Thing, Whatever That Is’ by Alina Tugend. My curiosity is usually aroused when I see these kinds of articles.

The author begins by explaining a challenge she faced about a piece she wrote and she was being asked to phrase things in a way that she didn’t feel totally comfortable with. She then goes on to raise some other related examples and thoughts.

Where my interest was piqued was toward the end. In that section I noticed something that I thought was unusual and I’m wondering if you might come up with the same thought.

***************

She references in the article a former NY Times columnist named Randy Cohen who wrote the Ethicist column from 1999 to 2011.

The most common ethical question he (Cohen) was asked about over the years concerned a “duty to report.” That is, you find out a friend’s spouse is having an extramarital affair. A college roommate is cheating by downloading papers from the Internet.

Do you tell?

In terms of the friend, he said, it depends on whether you’re getting a strong message that the friend wants to know. If not, be silent, he said.

With the roommate question, Mr. Cohen, the author of “Be Good: How to Navigate the Ethics of Everything” (Chronicle Books, 2012), said he liked the rule some universities had come up with: You have a duty to act.

“You can talk to your roommate. You can go a professor or department chair and say there’s cheating going on without naming names. But you can’t do nothing,” he said.

So how do I feel now about my ethical quandary? The best I can do, I believe, is use what I’ve learned as a guideline for how I will address the next moral issue I will inevitably face.

As Mr. Cohen said: “We can’t ask people to be perfect. But we can ask them to strive to be good.”

***************

So by Cohen’s account it is more important to confront the academic cheater than the cheating spouse of the friend.  He says to only tell the friend that his spouse is cheating if the friend wants to know.  How would the friend know to ask you about that? Oh, I get it. You should just say to your friend ‘Do you want to know that your spouse is cheating?’ If he says yes then tell him and if he says no then you tell him to forget it and you don’t have any responsibility to tell him.

Whether you tell the friend or not most likely you are going to have a problem with your friend and his spouse. The spouse will be mad that you told your friend and your friend will be mad if you don't tell him. And I know it's easy to say just tell him. But what would you do?.

As I wondered about the importance of the academic cheating issue and why it was made so important I realized that this is the New York Times we’re talking about and in my opinion they believe more in the importance of the intellect and education than they do in the importance of a good marriage relationship.

Then I guess my question is ‘Is not doing the right thing, doing the right thing?’

Doing the Right Thing, Whatever That Is

 http://www.nytimes.com/2012/09/22/your-money/doing-the-right-thing-whatever-that-is-shortcuts.html?pagewanted=all&_r=0

Not what you know but Who you know

²³ This is what the Lord says:

“Let not the wise boast of their wisdom
or the strong boast of their strength
or the rich boast of their riches,

²⁴ but let the one who boasts boast about this:
that they have the understanding to know me,
that I am the Lord, who exercises kindness,
justice and righteousness on earth,
for in these I delight,”
declares the Lord.

Jeremiah 9:23-24

New International Version (NIV)

Commentary

People tend to admire four qualities in others:

·         Human Wisdom
·         Power (strength)
·         Kindness
·         Riches

But God puts a higher priority on knowing him personally and living a life that reflects his justice and righteousness.

What do you want people to admire most about you?

What is really relevant?

I struggle a lot with the concept of ‘cultural relevance’ and what it means and how it applies to the church.

For me a simple definition is using or adopting current methods, technologies, language, music, dress, etc. as a way to relate to and attract other members of the culture at large to the church. It sounds simple enough.

Where I get concerned is with the constant changes in the culture. Some will say the culture has been declining for centuries all to the detriment of society. While others will say we haven’t changed enough through the centuries all to the detriment of society..

Overall I think the cultural mores have continuously declined because the culture is made up mostly of those who are more interested in enjoying the secular pleasures of life on earth and are not interested in being like Christ or living in eternity. This can be identified by the tolerance and eagerness shown for changes in language, dress, music, drugs, crime, videos, mores etc. by society

So how far should the church go in integrating those cultural changes into the activities and the culture of the church? The Apostle Paul had to write letters to the Corinthians to tell them that they were way too much like the culture and that they needed to knock it off.

If the community only knows a church because it does cultural things that no other church does or will do then I wonder if we are glorifying God by our actions. This doesn’t mean that service projects shouldn’t be done because this is a way we show Christ to the community and show them that we love them. But this is for God’s glory not our’s and not the church’s.

When I see posts on Facebook that brag about the music played or the topics discussed or the videos played at a church it causes me to wonder. Is that really what God wants? Why aren't we posting how great that God is? Or what God is doing in our lives?

My personal view is that the church, the music, the videos, etc. should not be more important to people than God. But it doesn’t mean that we don’t use the music, videos etc. as a way to attract people.

Just as the music we grew up with has faded in importance in our lives so will the cultural things change and fade in importance for each of us over time. Learning to love God and to live for Him can last forever but we have to make that decision daily so we don’t fall away.

A Christian who stops following God becomes a hypocrite in the eyes of the non-believers and causes them to question the importance or the necessity of following Christ in their life. Impressing non-believers with cultural relevance is not enough. Helping them become committed followers is essential.

I think showing people that we, in the church, are different than the people they know in the culture because we are committed to Christ is what will attract them to want to know Christ. Cultural adaptations alone won’t do it. We are called to be like Christ and to treat people the way he did. Our direction is to love God and to love others. And note that loving God comes first and by doing that we can love others.

So how do we know when we have gone too far in the church in becoming like the culture? We need to know what the Bible says and what God wants us to do. We can discern this through reading and studying the Bible, regular prayer, associating with others more mature in their relationship with Christ than us and being open to questions or concerns raised by those attending the church. God has given us the Holy Spirit to help us to discern these types of things.

I think it is important to get this right.

Tell Your God Story

Tell Your God Story - Monday, September 24th 2012

1 Corinthians 2:1

"And I, brethren, when I came to you, came not with excellency of speech or of wisdom, declaring unto you the testimony of God."
KJV

 

The power of your testimony is not in how well you speak or how you couch the details. It's not in the clothes you wear or in worldly prosperity. The power of your testimony is in God and the lengths He went to make you right with Him. Your testimony is your walk with Jesus now. That's why it's so precious. People don't see who you were, but they do see who you are.

 

There is power in your story. It is the "I used to be but now I'm..." God story. People need to hear it. There is no issue you need to work through first. You will always be working through issues and if you are waiting to be perfect, have the Bible memorized or have a refined Christianese vocabulary filled with ten syllable words, you will be with Jesus before you ever share your story. That would be a shame. How many can be reached through the hearing of your testimony? I don't know and neither will you unless you step out, uncomfortable or not, and share. Do you want to find out?

 

Life Lesson: Tell people your God story often.

 

Dear Father,
Thank You for the simple story of Your Son, Jesus, who died for me so I could be forgiven. Lord, thank You, that in Your love, You offer me Your grace and mercy. Give me the strength not to drift in sharing the simple message of Your story. In boldness to glorify You, allow me the opportunities to tell others my story. In Jesus' name, Amen.

 

Living to tell what He died to say,
Pastor David McGee
Cross the Bridge
crossthebridge.com

Cowboy Ethics and the Code of the West

COWBOY ETHICS

Before the American West was settled and barbed wire closed off the range, the Code of the West was the one civilizing influence that could be relied upon. In his 2004 book, Cowboy Ethics – What Wall Street Can Learn from the Code of the West, Jim Owen made a heartfelt case for a new approach to business ethics — one that goes back to simple, timeless principles like those of the cowboy code. He also translated the unwritten Code of the West into Ten Principles to Live By.

It turned out that Jim’s message struck a deep chord with people from all walks of life. Cowboy Ethics has become part of our national conversation, as people across the country rediscover the cowboy code and make it their own.

WHY COWBOYS?

The iconic cowboy represents the best of America — the courage, optimism and plain hard work. Cowboys are heroic not just because they do a dangerous job, but also because they stand for something — the simple, basic values that lie at the heart of the cowboy way. Even though their way of life has changed over the last 150 years, cowboys still honor and live by their code. They are an abiding source of inspiration to do better and be better than we are.

Code of the West

·         Live each day with courage

·         Take pride in your work

·         Always finish what you start

·         Do what has to be done

·         Be tough, but fair

·         When you make a promise, keep it

·         Ride for the brand

·         Talk less and say more

·         Remember that some things aren’t for sale

·         Know where to draw the line

 

http://www.cowboyethics.org/cowboy-ethics.html

 

Qualified Applicants Lack Soft Skills

Some things I found especially interesting in a newspaper piece this week. The author, Nick Schulz, was at a dinner with representatives from major American manufacturing companies. The topic turned to how hard it is to find qualified applicants for jobs.

The major things that the company representatives stated are problems were:

‘To be perfectly honest…we have a hard time finding people who can pass the drug test’ (I have heard this from a manager I know who works at a major retailer)

‘Interpersonal skills and enthusiasm / motivation were among the most commonly identified soft skills that employers found lacking’

‘Employers also mention a lack of elementary command of the English language’. ‘More than half of the organizations surveyed reported that simple grammar and spelling were the top “basic” skills among older workers that are not readily present among younger workers’

“…professionalism or work ethic is the top applied skill that young workers lack’

‘Many people lack what the writer R R Reno has called forms of social discipline that are indispensable components of a person’s human capital and that are needed for economic success’

From ‘Hard Unemployment Truths About ‘Soft’  Skills’ by Nick Schulz in the 9.20.12 Wall Street Journal
http://online.wsj.com/search/term.html?KEYWORDS=schulz&mod=DNH_S

3 Techniques Bill Clinton Uses To Wow An Audience

3 Techniques Bill Clinton Uses To Wow An Audience

By Sam Harrison

|September 6, 2012

Bill Clinton has decades of public-speaking experience, a deep well of charisma, and record high favorability ratings. But even mere mortals can borrow a few of his simple techniques to make our own presentations shine.

President Bill Clinton took primetime stage at the Democratic National Convention last night and once again mesmerized, tantalized, and energized his audience.

Watching his performance, it’s easy to forget this is the same guy who was almost booed off the stage at another Democratic Convention 24 years ago while introducing candidate Michael Dukasis.

The relatively unknown Clinton of those days was scheduled to speak for 15 minutes, but droned on for over a half-hour. His biggest applause line came at 32 minutes, when he said, “and in conclusion…”

But always the Comeback Kid, Clinton saw his failure and focused with laser intensity on polishing his speaking abilities. And most folks today, regardless of political leanings, recognize him as one of the best speakers of any generation.

The basic speaking techniques Clinton embraces, front and center last night in Charlotte, when he impressively ad libbed about 15% of his speech, to great effect, can be used by you to boost your presentation skills.

Here are three of his most powerful tools:

1. He knows when to stop and go.
Clinton uses hard-stop pacing to add emphasis to lines like: “We’re going to keep President Obama on. the. job.” and “President Obama started with a much. worse. economy.” In those moments, he squeezes every word for maximum impact.

And Clinton has no fear of dead air, using frequent pauses to garner attention and gain drama: "Listen to me now. [pause] No president, [pause] not me, [pause] not any of my predecessors, [pause] no one could have fully repaired all the damage…"

2. His gestures sync with his words.
Clinton’s best visual aids are his hands. His arm movements are open and wide, relaying an image of accessibility and authenticity.

To guide the audience’s emotion and attention, he often extends his hands with palms facing up or out: “Let me ask you something [palms up]…” or “Folks, this is serious [palms out]…”

He’ll also overlap hands in front of chest to reinforce intimate statements such as, “This is personal to me…”

As in earlier years, his index fingers serve as tireless pointers, but he uses less of the short, jabbing motion familiar in the past. He now lets his index finger flow through the air, with an element of inclusion, as he says things like: “And I hope you and every American remembers…” Or he’ll bring one index finger downward as a long, slow declarative action when saying “…and far more important, it passes the value test.”

3. It's how he says it, as much as what he says.
If you subscribe to Mehrabian’s formula of communications as 7% verbal, 38% vocal and 55% visual, then you’ll appreciate how Clinton uses facial expressions to put his words on display.

He offers a small, knowing smile when saying, “and that brings me to health care…”

He raises his chin in defiance when saying, “let’s take a look at what’s actually happened so far…”

Clinton bites his bottom lip with frustration after stating, “and they refused to compromise…”

And he squints his eyes with determination when delivering lines like, “democracy does not have to be a blood sport…”

Use Clinton’s techniques to up your speaking game.
Am I suggesting you try duplicating Bill Clinton’s delivery? Absolutely not. A speaker must be true to herself or himself. But the advice I offer to my presentation-skills workshop participants is this: When giving a presentation, be yourself--but be the best version of yourself. Your audiences expect and deserve your very best when you’re before them.

As you prepare for your next presentation, review Clinton’s Wednesday-night speech. Then practice using pauses, pacing, gestures and facial expressions to help your talk rise to a higher level of likability and effectiveness.

--Author Sam Harrison is a speaker and workshop leader on creativity-related topics and presentation skills. He is the author of IdeaSelling: Successfully Pitch Your Creative Ideas to Bosses, Clients and Other Decision Makers; IdeaSpotting: How To Find Your Next Great Idea; and Zing: Five Steps and 101 Tips for Creativity on Command. He can be found at zingzone.com.

Source - From Fast Company

http://www.fastcompany.com/3001087/3-techniques-bill-clinton-uses-wow-audience

Mehrabian’s formula of communications

http://www.speakingaboutpresenting.com/presentation-myths/mehrabian-nonverbal-communication-research/

 

Relationship of personality and character

'Personality can open doors, but only character can keep them open.'

 Elmer G Letterman

The 10 Best Buys in 2012 Motorcycles

The 10 Best Buys in 2012 Motorcycles

Source Popular Mechanics

New motorcycles are pricey investments. But that doesn't mean there aren't great affordable bikes out there; and as the riding season winds down in some parts of the country, you'll probably find some deals at your local motorcycle dealer. Here are our picks for ten great bikes that won't break your budget.

Ducati Monster 696 - Price: $8495

2011 Aprilia Shiver 750 - Price: $9499

Harley-Davidson Iron 883 - Price: $7999

Honda Shadow RS – Price $8,240

Triumph Bonneville - Price: $7699

Star Stryker –Price $11,090

Suzuki V-Strom 650 ABS - Price: $8299

Kawasaki Ninja 250 - Price: $3999

Yamaha FZ8 - Price: $8690

Zero XU - Price: $7695
 

http://www.popularmechanics.com/cars/motorcycles/the-10-best-buys-in-2012-motorcycles#slide-9

A Headline You May Have Missed

Here's a headline from this past weekend that you may have missed.

'Tim Tebow's 11 Rushing Yards Lead Jets To 48-28 Rout Of Bills'
Source - The Onion
http://www.theonion.com/articles/tim-tebows-11-rushing-yards-lead-jets-to-4828-rout,29515/

Looking from the inside out

Aleksandr Isayevich Solzhenitsyn (1918 to 2008) who was a writer born in Russia, and who, through his often-suppressed writings, helped to raise global awareness of the gulag, the Soviet Union's forced labor camp system. Solzhenitsyn was imprisoned in the Gulag during the period 1945 - 1956.

He authored numerous books some of which are:

·         The Gulag Archipelago

·         One Day in the Life of Ivan Denisovich

·         The Cancer Ward

·         The First Circle

·         August 1914

*He was awarded the Nobel Prize in Literature in 1970

Much of what Solzhenitsyn has written or said sounds like good advice for Western Countries to seriously consider. Someone who has experienced the problems of a dominating state can do a better job of explaining the problems of such a state and offering suggestions on how to avoid or deal with it.

Some quotes from Solzhenitsyn

The battleline between good and evil runs through the heart of every man.

In our country the lie has become not just a moral category but a pillar of the State.

It is time in the West to defend not so much human rights as human obligations.

To do evil a human being must first of all believe that what he's doing is good... Ideology - that is what gives evildoing its long-sought justification and gives the evildoer the necessary steadfastness and determination. That is the social theory which helps to make his acts seem good instead of bad in his own and others' eyes, so that he won't hear reproaches and curses but will receive praise and honors.

You only have power over people so long as you don't take everything away from them. But when you've robbed a man of everything, he's no longer in your power - he's free again.

Violence can only be concealed by a lie, and the lie can only be maintained by violence.

‘……Geronimo, Geronimo, EKIA’

‘……Geronimo, Geronimo, EKIA’ part of the radio call when the US Navy SEALs confirmed that Osama Bin Laden was dead.

The CBS show ‘60 Minutes’ tonight carried the interview of the US Navy SEAL who wrote the book ‘No Easy Day’. This SEAL also participated in the raid that killed Osama Bin Laden and talked about the mission and the challenges they encountered during the mission on this show.

It is very interesting to see and hear about how this mission was planned and executed.

Outstanding JOB US NAVY Seals we are indebted to you and all the members of the US military!

 

See the sites below.

This is the video of the interview at 60 Minutes

http://www.cbsnews.com/video/watch/?id=7419810n&tag=contentBody;storyMediaBox

 

This is the 60 Minutes Site

http://www.cbsnews.com/sections/60minutes/main3415.shtml

Another video with some commentary

http://www.cbsnews.com/8301-504803_162-57509096-10391709/how-a-seals-whisper-saved-the-bin-laden-raid/?tag=strip

 

Helping kids develop motivation and perseverance

The excerpt below contains advice I will pass on to our kids to help them with their children and any children they will interact with.

‘Opting Out of the 'Rug Rat Race' - For success in the long run, brain power helps, but what our kids really need to learn is grit’ by Paul Tough – appeared in the Saturday, September 08, 2012, Wall Street Journal

‘So what can parents do to help their children develop skills like motivation and perseverance? The reality is that when it comes to noncognitive skills, the traditional calculus of the cognitive hypothesis—start earlier and work harder—falls apart. Children can't get better at overcoming disappointment just by working at it for more hours. And they don't lag behind in curiosity simply because they didn't start doing curiosity work sheets at an early enough age.

Instead, it seems, the most valuable thing that parents can do to help their children develop noncognitive skills—which is to say, to develop their character—may be to do nothing. To back off a bit. To let our children face some adversity on their own, to fall down and not be helped back up. When you talk today to teachers and administrators at high-achieving high schools, this is their greatest concern: that their students are so overly protected from adversity, in their homes and at school, that they never develop the crucial ability to overcome real setbacks and in the process to develop strength of character.

American children, especially those who grow up in relative comfort, are, more than ever, shielded from failure as they grow up. They certainly work hard; they often experience a great deal of pressure and stress; but in reality, their path through the education system is easier and smoother than it was for any previous generation. Many of them are able to graduate from college without facing any significant challenges. But if this new research is right, their schools, their families, and their culture may all be doing them a disservice by not giving them more opportunities to struggle. Overcoming adversity is what produces character. And character, even more than IQ, is what leads to real and lasting success.’

—Adapted from "How Children Succeed: Grit, Curiosity and the Hidden Power of Character" by Paul Tough, which has just been published by Houghton Mifflin Harcourt

Different type of coach

I read an interesting story on the front Sports page of today’s New York Times. It was about James Franklin, 40, who is the head football coach at Vanderbilt University. Vanderbilt, a member of the SEC (Southeastern Conference), is not a football power and does not have a history as being a football power but is a member of a powerful football conference. Vanderbilt is ranked as one of the top universities in the US academically.

I liked one of Franklin’s comments. “You can be hard on people, as long as you love them hard too.”

Franklin’s comment is a result of an exercise that is normally not done as part of football conditioning. He asked the players to ‘… stand and talk about their families, their role models, their challenges. Players opened up. They learned each other’s histories, had shed tears, perhaps because they had trusted Franklin. Now it was his turn.’

‘I just talked about why I am the way I am’, Franklin said. He spent 15 minutes telling the team that his family was dysfunctional. His Dad was an alcoholic and abusive to Franklin his mother and sister. His Dad would not admit to the abuse until James was 40 and his Dad was a month away from death. His Dad also admitted this to his now ex-wife and daughter. His father apologized to all three.

James at 25 had reached out to his father and at that time his Dad was dying from cancer. James described his Dad as ‘a proud, stubborn man who was now defeated and dying’.

James was not certain if he should tell this story to the team. ‘On the night the 40-year-old Franklin explained his past to his team, he worried. He asked his wife, Fumi, if he had been too vulnerable. She said no. His players would respect him for it, perhaps play harder for him because of it, and James agreed’.

James Franklin sounds like a relationship guy. Someone who tries to connect with people. I can relate to him and maybe you can too. Not everyone is like this and we shouldn’t expect all people to be like us no matter who they are. People are different and need to be respected for who they are. See my post of 8/30/12 title ‘How to Manage Thinkers and Feelers Effectively’.

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The piece is titled ‘Franklin Forges a Future Through the Past – Vanderbilt Coach Builds Ties by Opening Up’ by Tim Rohan. New York Times, Saturday, September 08, 2012.

Five things you shouldn't compromise on

What You Should Never Compromise On While Building Your Career

Kathy Caprino, contributor to Forbes.com

http://www.forbes.com/sites/kathycaprino/2012/09/05/what-you-should-never-compromise-on-while-building-your-career/

As a career coach to mid- and senior-level professionals, and in my former work as a therapist, I’ve come into contact with thousands of questions, concerns, mistakes and crossroads that emerge in people’s personal and professional lives. Observing the long arc of many careers, I’ve noticed that the worst missteps – the ones that make us feel deep pain, regret, sorrow and remorse – are mistakes reflecting what people have chosen to compromise on or to give up in order to be “successful.” These compromises don’t feel like “choices” at the time, but they are, and they lead to common crises and challenges that are disastrous for the individual.

Below are the top five things you should never compromise on while building your career (or you’ll regret it deeply):

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1. Your Standards of Integrity
I view “standards of integrity” as core principles and values that guide our behavior. Integrity is a choice, and while it is influenced by a myriad of factors (your culture, upbringing, peer influences, etc.), it can’t be forced. (If it is, you have played a part in that.) One who has strong and well-defined standards of integrity behaves with wholeness, integration, honesty, and does right by himself/herself and by others. Standards of integrity involve values and virtues such as honesty, kindness, trust, wisdom, loyalty, transparency, objectivity, acceptance, openness, empathy, and graciousness.

I’ve seen so many people in midlife awaken as if from a long stupor to realize that they’ve compromised their most core values in order to get ahead in their work or keep jobs they hate. It hurts them to find that they’ve walked away from who they are, and what they value and cherish most.

People mistakenly believe that in these tough recessionary times they have to give up on their values and integrity to stay employed, but that’s simply not true. Those who are guided by a strong sense of integrity fare much better in professional life, and will be successful where others fail.

2. Your Self-Respect
I’ve personally lived through the heartache of compromising my self-respect to stay in a job. Years ago when I was a corporate marketing professional, I knew that how I was behaving (because I felt pressured to), was beneath me. I wasn’t the leader or manager I longed to be, because I couldn’t manage and navigate through the toxicity, stress and overwhelm I felt in my job or in the organization. I tried to speak up about what I saw around me that wasn’t right, but I got crushed down. In the end, I completely lost my self-respect, and felt that I was “prostituting” myself in order to keep my job and maintain my high salary. I knew literally in the first week that the job and company were wrong for me. What should I have done? Find a new job fast.

3. Your Soul for Money
Money – and our relationship with it — is a topic that’s spawned millions of books, articles and seminars. Many of us struggle each day with maintaining a healthy balance and appropriate power dynamic with our money, and most of us fail. I’ve seen countless professionals give up their souls for money – not because they are struggling to pay the bills, but because they’ve become enslaved by their lifestyle and their need to impress. These folks have forgotten that they’ve come here at this time on this planet to do more than pay the bills, acquire things, and keep up with the Joneses. I’m not saying that fulfilling your financial obligations isn’t important – it is. I am saying that you are much more than your paycheck or bank account.

You know if you’ve sacrificed your soul for money – it’s a painful, debilitating state that you can’t pretend your way out of.

I know I’ll hear from many of you who will say, “Kathy, you’re nuts. I have to stay in this job I hate because I’m financially responsible for my family and it’s the only job I can get.” Not knowing your situation, I can’t say for sure, but my guess is that you absolutely do not have to work in ways you despise in order to do what’s necessary for yourself and your family.

4. Your Health and Well-being
In my corporate training and seminars, I see hundreds of high-level professional women who are brilliant, achievement-oriented and accomplished, but at the same time exhausted, depleted, depressed and demoralized. In the pursuit of a great career, they’ve compromised their health and well-being. Much of this has to do with the ever- complicated issue of work-life balance and how to stay competitive and ahead of the curve. But to me, it’s much more. Sacrificing your health and well-being demonstrates your lack of prioritizing yourself as important, failing to understand that you must care for yourself – and yes, put yourself first — before you can be of true service to anyone else, your organization, your family or your employer. If your body is shutting down, diseased or broken down from the way you work, rapid change is needed.

5. Your Legacy
Finally, the saddest professionals I know have sacrificed their legacy in the process of building their careers. What is your legacy? It’s what you will be able to say about yourself when you’re 90 looking back — what you’ve stood for, given, taught, imparted, and left behind. Not what you dreamed of being, but what you have been. It’s the impact you’ve made on the world, your family, and your community. This is not a dress rehearsal, but the real thing here, and so many professionals forget that they have this one chance to build a life that’s meaningful for them. Instead, they compromise their legacy in a vain effort to grasp “success,” accolades, security, or power. (If you want to clarify your legacy, values, standards of integrity and more, take my Career Path Self-Assessment).

If you think you have to compromise on any of the above in order to be employed or build a successful career, I hope you’ll think again. I’ve lived and witnessed the pain of giving yourself up in the processing of creating a professional life, and despite all your best efforts, it will never bring you the success, fulfillment and reward you long for.